is this thing on?

Woah. I haven't been here for a long time. A long long time. What the heck was I even talking about for all those years? I might come back to this, I'm not sure. I literally do not need a single extra thing to do. In fact, I've been actively trying to do a lot less lately.

The last year and a half has been a completely unpredictable (and at times nauseating) ride. Maybe I should start talking? I feel almost as if I'm not welcome here anymore, like this blog and these posts aren't even written by me. When I read through some of what I've posted in the past few years I have a hard time not rolling my eyes at myself.

Anyways. I might stay. This might be a thing. I don't know. Don't get excited or anything.

But hi.

Awesome Handmade Shit Vol. 1

Sometimes when I'm feeling stressed or just need a bit of inspiration, Etsy is my go-to place to drool all over my computer and cry about not being able to chose what I want. It's so relaxing and inspirational.

Here are some of the bomb things I've been drooling and crying over for the past few months. Today's theme is badass-feminist because I've been feeling like bathing in male tears lately.

feminist sloth sticker set from riot cakes

Male Tears mug by A Black Star

custom RIP portraits (SO GOOD) by discovering you

no elves at our house

Holiday season is upon us. Shopping, movies, decorations, food, gifts, Santa, giving, countdowns, elves, cards... I always get this weird feeling at this time of year that I'm a super incompetent parent. (and person in general) Now don't get me wrong, I'm super into the holidays. I love putting up a few decorations, I have a few designated favorite Christmas movies to watch during the month and we designate a special night each year to drink hot cocoa and drive around to look at all the lights while listening to holiday music. And yet, I feel like I'm behind the curve. 

I don't know when this whole season of a million ways to entertain our kids began but I just don't have the energy for it. Maybe it was during the blogging and Pinterest spike a couple of years ago. Suddenly we all could see these perfect images of parents planning out count down calendars with gifts for every single day until Christmas, there were endless ideas of how to precariously pose your Elf on the Shelf, quirky Santa photos and holiday card ideas galore. Now I'm not knocking anyone who does all of these things and more, I get it...we all want to make this time of year extra special for our children. But isn't it just exhausting and stressful? I can barely manage to do one extra thing for my kids during an average month, I have no business creating a production for 25 days. 

What I'm saying is that it's ok if you don't go crazy.  There will be no elf on the shelf doing naughty things around my house every night. No elaborate count downs or any gifts before the big day. Santa doesn't get too much attention here, he brings something small and that's that. We might watch Elf too many times and I may never turn of the radio station that plays constant holiday music on my way to work in the morning. But that's about it. We slow down, we read an extra Christmas book before bed. We make cookies probably once a week, burn yummy smelling candles, find ways to do nice things for those around us.

This year instead of hitting the gas and going full throttle during the holiday season, what if we all decided to just slow down? What if we take more time for just sitting and reflecting on the year we've had? Instead of all of this build up for one day, what if we just linger a bit, appreciate the shorter days and listen to life buzzing around us. Sometimes it's hard to recognize the magic that's already there if we're too busy trying to create more of it on our own. Life is magic, we don't have to create it, we just have to stop and listen for it. 


Go to college, learn what you're passionate about, get a job and love it. I feel like this is the sequence of events that we're lead to believe is what life is made of. If we just follow that path we'll find our purpose. It seems like I should be on that path right now. I've studied one of the things I love, I've gotten a job in a related field. I'm happy doing that job. Something is just...missing.

Being a stay at home mom really changed me. I had 4 years where I not only got to write and be a mom, but I got to rediscover the things I loved to do. I remember a class in college that focused on "what would we do if we didn't HAVE to do anything" and how to find a way to do that as a career. For years and years I've tried to find that thing, that one thing that I know I could do forever and for years and years I've been lost. I enjoy a wide variety of things equally and just because I love all of these things doesn't mean they're related in any way or I could make a viable career out of them.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching in the past few months since becoming a personal trainer. Going back into the working world has been a bit of a challenge and I'm learning a lot about myself in the process. I'm also thankful that I have the luxury to decide on what I want to do, and how to make a career out of what I enjoy. But how to find that? 

I miss writing. I miss sewing. I miss creating and living in this creative bubble I'd formed for myself. I've been working so much and trying to balance family life that I've been completely separated from my creative home and I'm learning that's the piece that's missing. What does that mean for personal training? I still want to pursue that path. I'm trying to figure out how it all fits together.

So where to go from here...I don't know. That's the funny thing about turning 30 (oh my god was that a year ago already?) is that you feel this need to reevaluate where you are and where you've been. I'm not willing to settle for OK. I don't want an OK life where I just go through the motions and miss out on all of the things I enjoy the most in the chaos of just trying to get by, or just trying to get through a job.

I guess it's time for some reevaluations, some soul searching, some brainstorming and planning. I get this way in the fall, I feel the creative pull singing that same old siren song, calling me back home. I suppose it's time to listen.