July 24, 2014

anniversary of becoming a mother

I was afraid, I was quite alone, my life changed in the five minutes it took for that pee stick to dry five years ago today. It was my lunch hour, probably one of the most dramatic lunch hours in lunch hour history. 

I was barely four weeks along, but I just felt off and was hoping to put an end to my unreasonable anxiety. I wasn't pregnant, was I? It was surely possible, but this was just not the right time. My four-weeks new fiance was living 1500 miles away. I was ready to move and had made a final decision but wasn't ready. The logistics of packing everything I owned into a couple of suitcases and forfeiting everything else to my parent's basements wasn't what I'd exactly laid out in detail yet. I hadn't given notice at my job, when would I be able to move? I didn't want to be pregnant alone.

I called my mom. She was at a local town carnival with my brothers and sister. She told me to take care of myself and the life I could be growing. This meant I had to be a mom immediately. In five minutes I'd gone from girl who just thought she was pms-ing to... a mother

***

I sat outside with the boys last night in the cool bay area evening air, five light years and thousands of miles from where I was on this anniversary five years ago. I don't even know who I am without them. 


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