my lucky number: thoughts on another baby


We're always getting the question, "Do you guys plan on having more kids?" and I never quite know how to answer. 

Chikezie is happy with our family size. I think it has a lot to do with being the breadwinner. Adding one more mouth to feed to a 4 person family seems a little overwhelming. Although we already need a bigger car, we'd definitely need one with another baby in the mix. I think he worries about the added stress another baby could be on our marriage. Having kids is stressful! What happens when we add in another one? I think he doesn't feel too outnumbered right now, 2 kids, two parents. It works. 

For me? I absolutely, positively want one more baby. You see, there's only one problem with having twins, the first time, and by accident. We've never had to make the decision. (Well, directly sit down and say "do we want kids?") By fate, the decision was kind of made for us. If we only had one baby, we'd be more likely to sit down and really discuss having another. I think both of us would want our child to have a brother or sister. But when you have twins? It's a huge decision to have another. 

I have no fear. My heart knows everything would be just fine. We were in the least optimal situation when we found out we were pregnant. It was hard- moving, one very tight income, my body doing a huge job for the first time, the uncertainty, the worry, the unknown. You know what we did? We figured it out. And the crazy thing about our relationship is that when we go through stressful situations, we end up getting closer in the process instead of farther apart. 

I suppose I'm just greedy. I get really sad watching videos of the boys as babies. I wonder if that was my only chance? Was that the only time I'd get to feel those little flutters in my belly? Our only chance to meet this little being we created for the very first time? I want another chance, just one more, now that I know what I'm doing and what to appreciate. I want to snuggle on the couch in the middle of the night, I want to see a first smile, to wash itty bitt clothes, change bibs full of drool and feel someone so small and innocent fall asleep on me.

The stretch marks, the gained weight, the late nights and even earlier mornings? These and all other struggles of the first few years don't feel intimidating to me at all anymore. We went through it knowing nothing with double the challenges and we're still trucking along just fine. I want the boys to be big brothers, like my husband and his twin brother are such great big brothers to their sisters. When you see your husband as such a great example of what you want your sons to be, it's only natural to want more.

Now that I'm a mom, I realize the most important thing I'll ever do in my life is this. I got this. Sometimes it's hard. Like when we were trying to figure out the colic in the first couple months. Or when it took them forever to walk. And talk. And when they're throwing tantrums and fighting with each other. But never once, even in the most difficult moments, do I look at my children and ever regret our decision to bring them into this world. We got this. Like when you start working at a job you really like and you feel completely confident handling the next challenge your boss throws at you, we got this. 

Don't get me wrong, I truly appreciate our blessings. I count them daily (and kiss and love on them). But there will always be a small space in my heart just waiting. Waiting for that one last, little blessing to complete it all. Three has always been my lucky number.

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