I've had these encroaching thoughts over the past two and half years that for some reason continuously threaten to lessen the amazing things happening in my home and in my heart. These feelings and thoughts take over when I'm doing mundane household chores; hanging laundry out to dry, straightening the boy's beds, unloading the dishwasher. These thoughts tell me that being a stay-at-home mom isn't really a job. That there are other people out there my age, single or married but without kids, who go to work, out for drinks, have lives. These thoughts tell me that the trivial problems I encounter on a daily basis aren't relevant. How to get the boys to stop throwing their shoes when they're angry, or how to organize my day so that my home is cleaned on a regular basis. Do these things really matter?
Sometimes I have thoughts that tell me what I do isn't important, and that everyone going out with their friends, traveling, living a free single life are the people really living. I think about what I would be doing if I didn't have kids, if Chikezie and I were just a married couple, who we'd be. On occasion I even feel *gasp* old and boring. I don't drink a beer or glass of wine at night because it makes me restless. I wake up early with the boys every. single. morning. and I'd like to avoid feeling any more tired than I already am. I wake up, I change diapers, I am a human napkin, I clean and clean some more, I cook, I organize, I shop for groceries...this is my life.
I guess for some people, this could sound like some sort of hell. On some days, I believe it is some sort of hell. Scattered in these mundane moments, between the loads of laundry, after the late night baths, the breaking up of fights, in between this? This is where I'm really living.
This job - being a mother - is the most important job I'll ever do. Raising these children, these boys into men, is the most challenging thing I'll ever face. Giving them the best parts of myself and trying to avoid passing on my flaws (all while I'm attempting to learn all of these things about myself), is such a huge task. The tedious chores and shuffling behind the scenes only adds to the challenge.
These encroaching thoughts of insignificance really push me to understand the importance of this life I'm living. These thoughts that tell me my life is small are overrun by daily moments of absolute joy I feel when I watch my children learn something new, feel pride in themselves, do something kind for one another. Being a mother, or a stay-at-home mother isn't glamorous or even very much fun at times, but it matters. This job matters more than almost any other job anyone has ever had. And I have two living, breathing testaments to its importance running around my living room giggling in their pajamas right now.