on having anxiety and needing control


I've never appeared to be an anxious person, to most I think I seem laid back. I've never really considered myself to have bad anxiety, but in the past 2 years I've come to the realization that it can rule me if I'm not careful. 

I worry about things I can't control, every possible future outcome of big events. I keep reminders in my brain of things I don't want to forget, things I need to do, things we need at the store, etc. I know this is pretty much every human to a certain extent but to most of us, it doesn't have an effect on our day to day lives. I've tried telling myself I have no control over these things but that doesn't stop the thoughts from happening. 

I'm always worried of things I might forget, that I might not have done something or will forget to do something big or important. I leave tonight for Portland to wrap everything up and oversee the move/movers. There is a lot to do in just a couple of days and I've been really on edge trying to manage all of this worry. (Sorry husband.)

It's easy to tell someone to just stop worrying. If I could, I would. Most days I just can't stop my brain. If it were that easy to just stop worrying about all of these things I can't control, or to realize that there are days I'll forget things and be unprepared; I'd stop. But it's not that easy. You can't just snap your fingers and stop your brain.

Now that I've discovered this thing about me, this anxiety, it's been trial and error learning what helps me deal with it. Time away from home/family, talking it out, nothing really works like making lists. I need a visual to organize my jumbled brain. If I don't organize all these worries and thoughts on a daily basis, I end up completely overwhelmed and just completely shut down.

These lists aren't always to-do lists, and even when they are I'm not a drill sergeant on getting them all done. I have post-its, papers and notebooks everywhere full of lists. I've also learned that keeping these lists to myself helps keep stress down in our family in general. If I'm not writing them, I'm talking about them. My stress stresses out my husband and doesn't help anybody.

I feel weak for admitting to this anxiety and worry. I've always considered myself a strong person, I handle adversity and change well. It's the little daily things that end up having the biggest impact on me. Anxiety isn't an ailment you can physically see, which makes it harder for people to understand how much it can hurt you and those around you.

I'm a work in progress. Having children forces you into a lot of self reflection, and brings out characteristics that were hiding down in you somewhere that you didn't know you had. I'm trying my best to manage this and it's somewhat comforting to now be aware of why I feel the way I do.

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