Last night was one of those dreaded long nights that we as parents absolutely loathe. I woke up to screaming children at 3:10am. They'd opened their bedroom door and stood screaming and fighting for a good spot at the gate in their doorway. I'm guessing one boy woke the other up and then they were just both grouchy.
Lately when they are up early or in the middle of the night, I go into their room and lay between them until we all fall asleep. It's easier than having to go back in 10 more times. I sometimes feel like I'm starting something bad but there's nothing bad about a mama snuggling with her 2 year old boys some nights. And some of those nights, like last night, they seemed to both really need me.
Having twins can be really difficult at times, last night was one of those times. Both boys wanted me, and it was almost impossible for me to meet both of their needs. (And leaving them in their room to let out ear-shattering screams until they eventually fall asleep was not an option. We live in a high-rise condo building and I have no idea how thick or thin the walls are and who can hear what at 3am when the world is quiet.) Julian wanted me to hold his hand. Isaiah wanted me to face him and cuddle up with him. It was impossible to do both at the same time, and nobody wanted daddy, and if I didn't do both at the same time they both started the screaming.
I eventually figured out a way where everyone was happy and comfortable (except me). I was so annoyed I had to even be in there. I was mad that they didn't want daddy. I was jealous that Chikezie just gets to sleep while I have to be up with them in the middle of the night.
Then I took a second and thought of the boys all grown up and in middle school and not wanting or needing me like this anymore. I thought about them sleeping in bunk beds, with science and space ship stuff all over their bedroom. And I thought of the mom I'll be then, longing for these late nights when they wanted and needed mommy.
I fell asleep with Isaiah cradled under my right arm, drooling on me and my left arm twisted up in an uncomfortable position, holding Julian's hand while he drifted off. I was uncomfortable and exhausted but doing the only thing I could, just be there. And wishing for time to slow down a little.