I've been thinking a lot about life lately. I am a constant worrier/thinker. Sometimes I wish I could just stop my mind. (Yoga helps...when I can actually find time to get to a class). Sometimes I wish I didn't even think of half the crap I do, and lots of times I feel like maybe there are lots of other people like me who just think all the time.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about the state of my life. Something is missing. I'm searching for answers. My shower time used to be filled with relaxed, in the moment thoughts. Thinking of nothing more than that song in my head or what I had for dinner. Now shower time is spent contemplating. I miss those quiet-mind times.
I'm missing a lot of things. The past year is finally starting to catch up with me, I think. If you don't know our story, our lives have completely changed in the past couple of years. In February 2009 Chikezie got a job offer in Cali (we were living in Iowa) he wasn't even looking for a job but it was a great opportunity. By March I'd found my own place to live so I could start grad school in Iowa and Chikezie could move to Cali. By July 4th we were engaged, by the end of July we found out we were pregnant, by August we found out it was twins, by September I'd quit my job, grad school and moved to Cali. I had no job my entire pregnancy and never really got that opportunity to make my own friends or have a network of people to support me. It was a very lonely pregnancy, spent in a foreign place to me, without the changing of seasons, without my friends and family (who you really need during your pregnancy).
Now I find myself kind of lonely and lost. I miss my home. California is beautiful but the beauty is empty without friends and family to fill your life with love. I want to be able to drive to my parents house (they lived 3 hrs away before..as well as the in-laws). I want to watch my brothers play in a football game, or my sister compete in volleyball. I want to visit my brother-in-law and tailgate with my aunt and her family for football games. I want to meet up on the weekends with my college friends. I want to share my life and my children with those who knew me before I was a mommy. I want to go somewhere familiar, somewhere that has memories to me, someplace that is a tradition. I want grandma and grandpa to be able to babysit the boys for a weekend so Daddy and I can go out for drinks with our friends. I want to build a snowman with the Dudes and watch Daddy pull them on a sled through the snow.
I thought maybe after a year in California the homesickness would eventually fade away. That I'd be preoccupied with the boys and forget everything I was missing. But now, without a job, without my friends, without my family, I feel kind of stranded. As soon as we moved into the most important stage in our lives, we were taken away from everything familiar to us. I know it was for a good reason and for a good opportunity but really, how much is enough, you know?