life

I've been thinking a lot about life lately. I am a constant worrier/thinker. Sometimes I wish I could just stop my mind. (Yoga helps...when I can actually find time to get to a class). Sometimes I wish I didn't even think of half the crap I do, and lots of times I feel like maybe there are lots of other people like me who just think all the time. 


Lately I've been thinking a lot about the state of my life. Something is missing. I'm searching for answers. My shower time used to be filled with relaxed, in the moment thoughts. Thinking of nothing more than that song in my head or what I had for dinner. Now shower time is spent contemplating. I miss those quiet-mind times. 

I'm missing a lot of things. The past year is finally starting to catch up with me, I think. If you don't know our story, our lives have completely changed in the past couple of years. In February 2009 Chikezie got a job offer in Cali (we were living in Iowa) he wasn't even looking for a job but it was a great opportunity. By March I'd found my own place to live so I could start grad school in Iowa and Chikezie could move to Cali. By July 4th we were engaged, by the end of July we found out we were pregnant, by August we found out it was twins, by September I'd quit my job, grad school and moved to Cali. I had no job my entire pregnancy and never really got that opportunity to make my own friends or have a network of people to support me. It was a very lonely pregnancy, spent in a foreign place to me, without the changing of seasons, without my friends and family (who you really need during your pregnancy). 

Now I find myself kind of lonely and lost. I miss my home. California is beautiful but the beauty is empty without friends and family to fill your life with love. I want to be able to drive to my parents house (they lived 3 hrs away before..as well as the in-laws). I want to watch my brothers play in a football game, or my sister compete in volleyball. I want to visit my brother-in-law and tailgate with my aunt and her family for football games. I want to meet up on the weekends with my college friends. I want to share my life and my children with those who knew me before I was a mommy.  I want to go somewhere familiar, somewhere that has memories to me, someplace that is a tradition. I want grandma and grandpa to be able to babysit the boys for a weekend so Daddy and I can go out for drinks with our friends. I want to build a snowman with the Dudes and watch Daddy pull them on a sled through the snow. 

I thought maybe after a year in California the homesickness would eventually fade away. That I'd be preoccupied with the boys and forget everything I was missing. But now, without a job, without my friends, without my family, I feel kind of stranded. As soon as we moved into the most important stage in our lives, we were taken away from everything familiar to us. I know it was for a good reason and for a good opportunity but really, how much is enough, you know? 

8 comments :

  1. thinking of you. life has a funny way of working things out at times.... just breathe and look up at the sky every now and again. change'll come.

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  2. I loved this post. My hubby is in the Army, and I end up in different spots feeling a bit shell-shocked. No profound words here...just happy to have read it. :)

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  3. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. It sounds like you need some mommy friends. Real, live ones that live down the street, although bloggy friends are good too. I met so many of my best friends through my mops group. Have you heard of mops (mothers of preschoolers)? I recommend looking for a group in your area. Hugs.

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  4. I completely understand. That's how I feel now. it's like we switched. I am from Cali but instead of relocating to Iowa I am in NC. In the begining I HATED it here. I still have a hard time every now and then because I feel so alone. I wish my friends were here watching my little one grow up. My family is here but, I still feel uprooted. I had lived in CA all my life. It's all I knew. It's just a hard situation especially with me not working. You don't really have a chance to "make" new friends. (part of us doesn't really even want to)

    Do you go to play groups? or have you looked into any?

    I just recently joined a mama/baby group and I really like it. I figured Instead of being miserable here I might as well do something. (we only plan to stay in NC for another year or two)
    Maybe connecting will help? have you also though of working part time? like a few hours a day or on the weekend? maybe that will give you the outlet you need for now. Well, to tie you over until you see family again.

    If anything just im me, your not alone. It's a tough situation to be where you feel like the odd man out. I hope it get's better for both of us.

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  5. i can relate to a good portion of this post. things are a little different for me now that i've started working again and i'm forced to socialize but before last week, i had a really hard time finding friends/people to talk to. the greatest thing i've done for myself since having my twins was join my local mothers of multiples group. there's just something about talking with a group of ladies who really get it. it took me a whlie, but i found a group of ladies with twins about the same age as my own and we did a few play dates and quite a few mom's nights out. i know it's hard to break into a group that is already formed but i seriously have found some of my best mom friends through MoM. i hope you can find as much comfort and support as i have! :)

    --Alex

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  6. that totally sucks to be homesick. it's a sickness that is deep in your core, i know. i'm sorry you're going through that. i really hope the best for you guys, and something can remedy your uneasiness soon.

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  7. I'm sorry you are feeling that way! Have you talked about moving back? Know if you do, the dudes will have a playmate in Mr. Drake!

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  8. :( Sorry you feel so isolated. People never tell you how lonely pregnancy/motherhood can be; I wish they'd add it to the new mommy's handbook (though I'm still waiting for my copy). I've often felt like you and can relate. I hope it gets easier for you. Keep on blogging and getting those feelings out there. You're not alone...in blogworld! But I understand and hope you find what you need.

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